Joke of the Day...

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11 years 5 months ago #26116 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Its MY bike!!!
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives when he realized that the one thing he had never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and says, "Tree.

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and says, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

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11 years 5 months ago #26118 by magi
Replied by magi on topic Its MY bike!!!
I like bikes... A lot.....

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11 years 5 months ago #26295 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Its MY bike!!!

magi wrote: I like bikes... A lot.....


x2! I'm surprised this stopped the conversation. I guess people around here like unicycles

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11 years 5 months ago #26315 by faawrenchbndr
Replied by faawrenchbndr on topic Its MY bike!!!
THE SALESMAN
A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
>
> The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."
>
> Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
>
> "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
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> His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
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> "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
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> That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."
>
> The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
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> The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
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> The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
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> The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
>
> The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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11 years 5 months ago #26348 by faawrenchbndr
Replied by faawrenchbndr on topic Its MY bike!!!
3, 6, & 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

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11 years 5 months ago #26631 by mardad
Replied by mardad on topic Don't know where this belongs
I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on deer corn to hunt deer instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that???
I replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting!"

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11 years 5 months ago #26632 by Dabu
Replied by Dabu on topic Don't know where this belongs
:laugh: haha

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11 years 5 months ago #26636 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Don't know where this belongs
This belongs on a poster hanging on the wall in my house! Thanks for sharing

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11 years 5 months ago #26639 by jtallen83
Replied by jtallen83 on topic Don't know where this belongs

mardad wrote: I was walking down the street when I was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on deer corn to hunt deer instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that???
I replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting!"


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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11 years 5 months ago #26790 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Don't know where this belongs
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


:laugh: :laugh:

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