Joke of the Day...

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11 years 11 months ago #15231 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Two antennas had been standing beside each other for so long that they decided to get married.







The wedding was pretty boring...





















But the RECEPTION was Excellent......





:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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11 years 11 months ago #15280 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

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11 years 11 months ago - 11 years 11 months ago #15609 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on - There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.. Plus, their heads and asses are interchangeable.'


Painfully true... :(
Last edit: 11 years 11 months ago by Sharkey.

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11 years 11 months ago #15664 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Joke of the Day...
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11 years 11 months ago #15874 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
The "lay-off" notice


Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees are going increase in a BIG way and to compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by more than 10%.

Since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.

This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So this is what I did - I walked through our parking lots and found sixty 'Obama' bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the ones I will let go.

I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem because, since they voted for change, well, I'll give it to them.

I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic and let's have a GREAT year...

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11 years 11 months ago #15880 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
My wife is a blonde and my mother is CONSTANTLY sending me blonde jokes via email so it looks like my mother is gonna get the usual hug at church on Sunday and I'll be taking the beating for both of us...

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!

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11 years 11 months ago #15881 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun...

He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?'

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

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11 years 10 months ago - 11 years 10 months ago #16250 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Joke of the Day...
Here is a True story...

My wife asked me..."why haven't I fixed this and done that."
I replied..."I haven't felt like it."
I then asked her..."why is the house not cleaned"...she said, "I haven't felt like it."
Then she asked me..."Why is the house not painted....I replied, "It's too cold."
She then asked, "why is the inside of the house not painted".
I replied..."It's too cold."
I then asked her..."why haven't we had Sex"....She Replied...
"It's too Cold"....
Talk about a Classic response..... :rotfl: :rotfl:
We both Laughed our Buts off... :cheers:
BMS
Last edit: 11 years 10 months ago by BUILDING MY SASS.

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11 years 10 months ago #16253 by 13fcolt
Replied by 13fcolt on topic Joke of the Day...
That reminds me of the time when I brought my little woman a glass of water and 2 aspirin.
She said "what's this for"
I said "your headache"
She said "aww that's sweet, but I don't have a headache"
I said "That's great, wanna $*!#"

Don't know what she was so upset about, I covered everything.

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11 years 10 months ago #16254 by VTIT
Replied by VTIT on topic Joke of the Day...
This actually happened and probably will again:
Foxnews

By Kate Rogers

The reaction to ObamaCare from U.S. small businesses has been mixed. Some entrepreneurs have expressed support for system changes, while others are indifferent, saying they won’t be affected. Meanwhile, some say they’ll be cutting headcount to avoid increased fees related to the new health-care policy.

And one entrepreneur in Utah is taking it one step further, and first laying off the workers who voted for President Obama.

Terry Lee, owner of Terry Lee Forensics, laid off two workers due to rising costs from the Affordable Care Act, and said he chose them due to their support for the president. The Salt Lake Tribune reports Lee let the two workers go because he “just knew” they were fans of the president, but acknowledged there were other issues with the former employees as well.

Utah is an “at-will” state, meaning both employers and workers can terminate their relationship with one another at any time without cause, unless otherwise stated. Political affiliation is not a protected class in the state, the Tribune reported.

In other news on the health-care policy front, Whole Foods Market co-CEO John Mackey regrets his recent comments that compared ObamaCare to fascism. Mackey released a statement to clear up his take on the matter.

“I made a poor word choice to describe our health-care system, which I definitely regret. The term fascism today stirs up too much negative emotion with its horrific associations in the 20th century. While I'm speaking as someone who works hard to offer health-care benefits to more than 73,000 team members, who actually vote on their overall benefits packages, I am very concerned about the uninsured and those with preexisting conditions,” Mackey wrote.

He said the U.S. should take a lesson on health-care policy from Switzerland.

“I believe that, if the goal is universal health care, our country would be far better served by combining free enterprise capitalism with a strong governmental safety net for our poorest citizens and those with preexisting conditions, helping everyone to be able to buy insurance. This is what Switzerland does and I think we would be much better off copying that system than where we are currently headed in the United States.

“This alternative allows individuals and businesses to innovate and develop customized solutions to health care where a ‘one size fits all approach’ fails. Creativity and progress are stifled when government regulations dictate the parameters of what health-care plans can be offered. Creative businesses, and the people who work them, can make something that has value for all stakeholders,” he said in the statement.

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