Joke of the Day...

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13 years 3 months ago #8471 by BUILDING MY SASS
Joke of the Day... was created by BUILDING MY SASS
I got this from a friend the other day....Put a Smile on my face... :)
BMS


One sunny day in 2013
An old man approached the White House.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to
go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, Sir, Mr. Obama is
no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White
House and said to the same Marine,

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is
no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House

and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in
and meet with President Obama."


The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been
here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr.
Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you
understand?"


The old man looked at the Marine and said,

"Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,

"See you tomorrow, Sir."
The following user(s) said Thank You: mlotziii, wolfeel13

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13 years 3 months ago #8472 by WES213
Replied by WES213 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
HA!

That old man just might be me when all is said and done. :laugh:

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13 years 3 months ago #8476 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Now that Mine frien is excellent.LOL

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13 years 3 months ago #8479 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Glad you liked...hope it put a smile on your face.....I know it did mine...
BMS

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13 years 3 months ago #8493 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Home Depot



Men's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register...

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms ..'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

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13 years 3 months ago #8583 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Love It..... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :) :) :) :) :woohoo:
BMS

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13 years 3 months ago #8584 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
I thought this was pretty good...makes sense....
BMS

California:


The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail.

A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the
Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie
"Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only
doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control . Animal Control captures the coyote
and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating
it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and
bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked
for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game
conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of
dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a
"coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better
treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the
world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the
attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with
additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit
against the State.

TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature
trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and
keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point
cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.
The following user(s) said Thank You: mlotziii, Moby

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13 years 3 months ago - 13 years 3 months ago #8601 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
HHHMMMMmmmm,guess Mine other joke got deleted.LOL
Well I`ll try another an hope it is OK.I got no sense when it comes to offensive,I just think funny or not funny.LOL


PTS



Talk about freakin' Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder........

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan .

Having not seen my wife for several months,I was horny & hot, pulsing with anticipation and looking forward
to a night of hot {delete words} with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped around her head, so I shot her.
Last edit: 13 years 3 months ago by MrMarty51.

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13 years 3 months ago #8603 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Sometimes I just have to go here to make my day :silly:

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13 years 3 months ago #8670 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Re: Joke of the Day...

MrMarty51 wrote: HHHMMMMmmmm,guess Mine other joke got deleted.LOL


What was it? I didn't delete anything. Sometimes the site does crazy things. Love em so far!

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