Joke of the Day...

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11 years 10 months ago #16755 by Dabu
Replied by Dabu on topic Joke of the Day...
:busted: A Policeman on his horse says to little girl on her bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," she replies.

"Well tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year," and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the Policeman and says, "Nice
horse you've got there. Did Santa bring you that too?"

The Policeman chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year, tell Santa the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it"!

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11 years 10 months ago #16757 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
That's funny right there I don't care WHO ya are.... :laugh: :evil: :thumbs:

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11 years 10 months ago #16767 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
Alerts To Threats In 2012 Europe From John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John
John Cleese,
P.S. And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Sharkey

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11 years 10 months ago #16768 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Wow. THAT'S a nice find Sisco. I'm sitting here laughing my ass off right now over that whole thing and gotta go read it again... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :thumbs: :thumbs:

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11 years 10 months ago #16911 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid. :rotfl:

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11 years 10 months ago #16923 by Dabu
Replied by Dabu on topic Joke of the Day...
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a daddy longlegs.” her father answered.
“So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, stomped them flat and said, “We’re not having that sort of crap in our garden." :blink:

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11 years 10 months ago #17224 by Dabu
Replied by Dabu on topic Joke of the Day...
Levels of Stress
You pick up hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl.Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.
Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be father.
You say you are not the father but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful.
So then ... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile , and probably since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way home, you think about your three kids .
NOW THAT'S STRESS!

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11 years 9 months ago #17410 by Dabu
Replied by Dabu on topic Joke of the Day...
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11 years 9 months ago #17464 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Four guys have been going to the same hunting trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Ron's buddies are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three buddies get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** Ron, how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her eyes!!!

She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . Here I am ! :laugh:

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11 years 9 months ago #17465 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
I hope he blew out the candles and vacuumed up the rosé petals before he left.

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