Joke of the Day...

More
12 years 6 months ago #11660 by Redscout02
Replied by Redscout02 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Barack and Michelle are at the World Series Game 6. They are sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Barack. At first, Obama stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy."

Obama hesitates ... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!

Obama shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want - C'mere Michelle baby..." With that, Obama gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, "Barack, you "!^$#@&!"

The crowd goes absolutely wild.. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Obama is bowing, smiling, and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that. I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that." Noticing the agent has gone totally pale in the face, Obama asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch ."

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 6 months ago #11745 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.

My favorite quote from the dimwit television reporter: “Wow! He has about a quarter million machine gun bullets.” The headline referred to it as a “massive weapons cache”.

By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would be called “mentally unstable”. Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:

In Arizona , he’d be called “an avid gun collector”.

In Texas , he’d be called “a novice gun collector”.

In Utah , he’d be called “moderately well prepared”, but they’d probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana , he’d be called “The neighborhood ‘Go-To’ guy”.

In Idaho , he’d be called “a likely gubernatorial candidate”.

In Wyoming , he’d be called “an eligible bachelor”.

In Wisconsin , he’d be called “a deer hunting buddy”.

And, in Alabama , we just call him “Bubba”. :P

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 6 months ago #11764 by gunjunkie
Replied by gunjunkie on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
A man is home watching the ball game when his wife comes in and says she needs $10,000. He asks why, and she says she wants bigger boobs. He says she doesn't need to spend all that money and to just rub toilet paper on them. She looks puzzled and asks how that will make them bigger. He says, I don't know but it sure worked on your butt.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 6 months ago #11767 by WES213
Replied by WES213 on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Upon reading this joke to my girl she proceeds to laugh and say "so thats what happened to my but", so as a heads up to others reading this joke to your girl i must insist for your own good do not reply "i guess you was using two ply".... this did not end well for me.

Killer joke gunjunkie. :)

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 4 months ago - 12 years 4 months ago #12017 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Two elderly Gentleman from the retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says..
"Slim, I'm 93 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age, How do you Feel?"
Slim says..."Hell, I feel just like a new-born baby."
The First one says.."Really, Like a new-born baby".
Slim replies back...
"Yep, No Hair, No Teeth, and I think I just Crapped my pants"...... :laugh: :S :whistle:
BMS
Last edit: 12 years 4 months ago by BUILDING MY SASS.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #12429 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,
Bald Buzzard Ridge
Mountainville, KY
Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.( but am getting so I like to sleep late. All you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food, but you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why, the bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,
Zeb

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #12431 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Your mommas so fat, she got a flesh eating disease and the doctor gave her 87 years to live.

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 months ago #12442 by roket10r
Replied by roket10r on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Three men are sitting in a bar one day {1}Cowboy,{1}Indian and a Muslim.

The Indian spoke up stating : Once there where many,now we are few.

The Muslim spoke up stating : Once there where few ,now we have many.

The Cowboy lowers his beer,re-adjust his cowboy hat and boldly states:
We ain't played cowboy and Muslim YET!!!

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 weeks ago #13534 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at a table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desperate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over to his table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the ceiling". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was easily 30 feet above and was convinced he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didn't even come close, pissing on the bar and the new guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

More
12 years 2 weeks ago #13600 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
Five Doctors go Duck Hunting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physcian, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!!
The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him and said. "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.