Joke of the Day...

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12 years 2 weeks ago #13683 by BUILDING MY SASS
Replied by BUILDING MY SASS on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
An elderly man who was retired from the military got a job at walmart as a door greeter...he was very professional but one small problem...he was always late by 5 to 10 minutes...
One day his manager called him into the office for his review....
Manager...
Sir you are doing a great job, you are always dressed accordingly and we have had several people compliment you on how well you greet the customers and do your best to help them....but I do see a problem...you are always a few minutes late....
Elderly man...
I know sir, I am working on it...I will try to do better...
Manager....
You were a carrier military man...what did they say to you in the military when you were late in the mornings....
Elderly man...
well, usually "Good Morning Admiral, would you like some coffee"....

Actually this is a True story...but I thought it was funny as hell....
BMS

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12 years 2 weeks ago #13827 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Re: Joke of the Day...
This is a copy of an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries, from the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait
till you read this guy's response - but read the entire letter before
you get to the response.


Site Location: Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner
and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities
at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by
removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel.
All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure
to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the
site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


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RE: Beaver Dam letter. (FUNNY)

RESPONSE:

Dear Mr. Price,



Reference your certified letter dated 12/17/2000 has been referred to me
to respond to. First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal
landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris"
dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of
natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could
ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam
ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their
dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? or,
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said
dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we
will see if there really is a dam violation of P! art 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.3010,1 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several
concerns. My first concern is aren't the beavers entitled to legal
representation?

The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay
for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a
lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than
harrass them and call their dam names. If you want the stream "restored"
to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you
are going to arrest them they obviously did not pay any attention to
your dam letter (being unable to read English).

In my humble ! opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green
and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and
Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the
natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until
1/31/2002 The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then, and
there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them
then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to
your office via another government organization - the USPS. Maybe,
someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten
The University of Texas at: Austin
Office Community Relations/Accounting unit
P.O. Box 7367
Austin, TX 78713
The following user(s) said Thank You: Cleandean

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12 years 1 week ago #14200 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
I gotta job at Wal Mart yesterday as a greeter for the holiday season. First hour a lady came in dragging two children, yelling, screaming and cursing at them. I said"Good Morning Ma'm, nice looking children, I assume they are twins."
She said, "Hell no! One is seven and one is ten, what the hell makes you think they are twins?" I replied, " I find it hard to believe that someone would have slept with you twice."
My boss suggested a different line of work. He's probably right.

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12 years 1 week ago #14207 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Four men had all made it to the final round of interviews for a job.

The hiring manager decided he should bring them all together and ask them a single question and whoever answered it the best would get the job. He explained it and they all agreed to the terms.

As they stood there lined up, he asked #1 - What is the fastest thing that you can think of?

#1 "A thought - because we think things all the time and can even TALK fast enough to keep up with them all" "Good answer said the manager, #2 same question please".

#2 said "a blink - we blink all the time without losing site of whatever we are looking at and blinking doesn't even REQUIRE any thought". "Good answer and thank you, #3, same question please".

#3 said "I remember as a kid at my grandpas house there was a switch near the door. I would flick that switch and the lights on the barn, WAAAAAY on the other side of the field would come on just as fast as I could flick it so I say flicking that switch is the fastest thing" "Good answer #3, #4 same question please.

#4 said simply "diarrhea."

"Oh my gosh" said the manager, "what ever possessed you to say diarrhea?"

#4 said "cuz I had it yesterday and before I could think, blink OR flick on the lights, I'd already shit myself".

:)

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12 years 1 week ago #14223 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
With all the brouhaha about December 21 and the end of theMayan Calendar, turns out they just released a new one. "Girls of Chichen Itza, Swimsuit Edition."

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12 years 1 week ago #14287 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Joke of the Day...
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!''

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12 years 1 week ago #14290 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
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A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."

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11 years 11 months ago #14763 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
If Whoopie Goldberg's parents knew what she was going to turn out to look like they'd have named her Whoops... :laugh:

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11 years 11 months ago #14872 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
A rookie police officer pulls a Navy Master Chief over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Master Chief: I don't have one. It was suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Master Chief: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Master Chief: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Master Chief: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!
Master Chief: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Master Chief: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?
Master Chief: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Master Chief: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Master Chief: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Master Chief: Yeah, and I'll bet the little liar said that I was speeding, too.

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11 years 11 months ago #15215 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.


The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey OLD WOMAN, have you ever danced?"


THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."


A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.


THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.


WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.


THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.


THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.


THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.


THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.


THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"


THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

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