Joke of the Day...

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12 years 1 month ago #17466 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Either way buddy, I would call that a crash and burn no matter what. I'm guessing her ass was pretty burned by then and he got his flamed when he got home... :laugh:

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11 years 11 months ago #21663 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. :laugh:

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11 years 11 months ago #22534 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic Joke of the Day...
It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by the blinding flash of lighting, followed by terrific thunder. “Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband :rotfl:

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11 years 11 months ago #22590 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Joke of the Day...
A knock on the door of a trailer and a older woman comes to the door and opens it. She drops her jaw and says, HONEY come here, CONWAY TWITTY is on our doorstep and she looks at the man and says I say you in concert and just melted in my seat when you sang 'Hello Darlin'.

Mam, I am sorry I am not Conway Twitty, I am the new Baptist preacher in town and I am inviting you to hear my sermon this Sunday.

Another knock on the door of a trailer and a middle aged woman comes to the door and opens it. She drops her jaw and says CONWAY TWITTY as she looks at the man and says I say you in concert and just melted in my seat when you sang 'Hello Darlin'.

Mam, I am sorry I am not Conway Twitty, I am the new Baptist preacher in town and I am inviting you to hear my sermon this Sunday.

A knock on the door of another trailer and a young woman, long blonde hair, wrapped in a towel, still wet from her shower comes to the door and opens it. She drops her jaw and says CONWAY TWITTY as she looks at the man and says I say you in concert and just melted in my seat when you sang 'Hello Darlin'.

He looks up and says...'HELLO DARLIN'

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11 years 11 months ago #22638 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
The Stuttering Kitten


A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students.

She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew It, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary!"

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"



The teacher had to leave the room... :laugh:
The following user(s) said Thank You: pookybear308

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11 years 10 months ago #22811 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

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11 years 10 months ago #23527 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Mixed Emotions
Husband and wife are watching TV about psychology explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". Hubby turns to wife and sez: Absolute crap, BET you cannot tell me anything that will make me happy and angry at the same time!

Wife turns to hubby and sez: Our of all you friends over all of these years you have the biggest Richard!

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11 years 10 months ago #23555 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Mixed Emotions

OleCowboy wrote: Husband and wife are watching TV about psychology explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions". Hubby turns to wife and sez: Absolute crap, BET you cannot tell me anything that will make me happy and angry at the same time!

Wife turns to hubby and sez: Our of all you friends over all of these years you have the biggest Richard!

With all due apologies to the performer, I don't think I would want the nickname, "Little Richard". :naughty:

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11 years 10 months ago #23557 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Mixed Emotions
A mother's advice to her daughter:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

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11 years 9 months ago #25159 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Mixed Emotions
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed..

The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum." :laugh: :laugh:

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