Joke of the Day...

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11 years 5 months ago #26967 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic IRS and the Rabbi
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.

The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.

Yes," answered the Rabbi.

Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings? he asked.

A good question, noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.

Oh, replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...

Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?

Ah, yes, replied the Rabbi calmly, we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls.

Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?

Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS .

To the IRS ? questioned the auditor in disbelief.

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.

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11 years 5 months ago #26968 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic IRS and the Rabbi
:thumbs: Oh I am so gonna use it!

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11 years 4 months ago #27210 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Joke of the Day...
A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in the bathroom, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
...
If he wants to make love, don’t resist, don’t complain… do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey. I love you!”

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11 years 4 months ago #27211 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
:thumbs: :thumbs: :laugh:

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11 years 4 months ago #27216 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Joke of the Day...
This gave me and my wife a few chuckles

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11 years 4 months ago #27366 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Looking forward to Football season
KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR......... Coincidence? Just wondering...................


Alabama beat Arkansas,
and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee,
and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn,
and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......


Damn, I wish the White House had a team!

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11 years 4 months ago #27368 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Looking forward to Football season
A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter
purchased a piece of timberland near Colville,WA - There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. - She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land
so she started to climb the big tree. - As she neared the top she encountered a spotted
owl that attacked her. - In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER
to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. - The doctor listened to her story
with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would
see if he could help her. - She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" - He smiled and then told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest
Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber
from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility. - And I'm sorry,
but due to Obama-Care they turned you down

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11 years 4 months ago #27842 by mardad
Replied by mardad on topic Looking forward to Football season
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? How did it get started?



A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.



The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".



The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."



"Don't make such a big deal out of it, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.



His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,



"So, how long have you been wearing that thing?



"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."



(I always wondered how that trend got started)



:whistle:

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11 years 4 months ago #27903 by mardad
Replied by mardad on topic Joke of the Day...
Subject: WOODEN LEG INSURANCE!!





Some insurance agents are better with words then most lawyers

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia from Ohio .. The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.00.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39.00 .. You just have to know how to describe it!

(Rednecks know how "to git'er done")

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11 years 4 months ago #27956 by mardad
Replied by mardad on topic Joke of the Day...
A young man with his pants hanging half off his butt,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the
local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."


"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
But you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....
The following user(s) said Thank You: mlotziii

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