Joke of the Day...

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11 years 2 months ago #29704 by mlotziii
Replied by mlotziii on topic Joke of the Day...
"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?" –David Letterman

"People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating." –David Letterman

"How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?" –Jay Leno

"I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in." –Jay Leno

"Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem, that there's that many non-essential employees?" –David Letterman

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11 years 1 month ago #31068 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
Us older guys will remember this show... These are some great old quotes from the show "Hollywood Squares"... :laugh:

Peter Marshall, host of Hollywood Squares finds unusual answers to his quesitons

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads underwater long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q.According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q.What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q.Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q.It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Backin the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q.Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh


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11 years 2 weeks ago #31610 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
When four of Santa's Elves got sick, the trainee Elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The Angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus ............... began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

I am sure you realize that not very many people know this !

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31612 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic Joke of the Day...
That poor sweet little Angel.

Making jokes about stuff like that is gonna get you a free trip to the "smoking section" pal... :laugh:

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31708 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic Joke of the Day...
Way too funny for the US. Laugh of the day in only 40 seconds:

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31722 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic Joke of the Day...
:rotfl: i :thumbs:

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31745 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Joke of the Day...

OleCowboy wrote: Way too funny for the US. Laugh of the day in only 40 seconds:


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31746 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Joke of the Day...
WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!
Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a sh&* what you think."

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31760 by jtallen83
Replied by jtallen83 on topic Joke of the Day...

MrMarty51 wrote: WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED!
Job Interview:

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Old Man : "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man : "I don't really give a sh&* what you think."


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :funnypost:

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11 years 2 weeks ago #31765 by MrMarty51
Replied by MrMarty51 on topic Joke of the Day...
Why did the avon lady walk funny?


Her lipstick lol

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