great gift for the wife

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11 years 6 months ago #24469 by OleCowboy
great gift for the wife was created by OleCowboy
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
The following user(s) said Thank You: jtallen83

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11 years 6 months ago #24479 by Siscowet
Replied by Siscowet on topic great gift for the wife
:rotfl: :rotfl: :funnypost: :thumbs: :rotfl:

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11 years 6 months ago #24480 by Akai
Replied by Akai on topic great gift for the wife
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
I was told one time never give the wife anything with batteries they will never put it down :rotfl:


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I'm sticking with the Pink

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11 years 6 months ago #24503 by Lizardette
Replied by Lizardette on topic great gift for the wife
I haven't laughed like that in quite awhile. I was in tears, really. Thank you for sharing.

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11 years 6 months ago - 11 years 6 months ago #24524 by OleCowboy
Replied by OleCowboy on topic great gift for the wife
And on a parallel note:

It was sometime back in the late 70's and I am on my daily 5 mile run out thru the country around my ranch. It was almost exactly 5 mi around my and several other ranches, outside the city limits and very enjoyable.

As I am running I see and object laying on the ground. I am very observant and always amazed at the things I find while out running. One time a $20, a 10 and other small amounts from coins to paper money. Once a bag full of XXX rated tapes. A pay fone, full of money and have been picked up TWICE by a couple of quite cute girls driving down the road stopping to ask if I did not need a ride. Some delicious afternoons and evening were the result.

So I stop and pick up the object and examine it. It one of those NEW Piezo electric lighters. It lights for me, then goes out, does it a couple of times and goes out then will not light at all. Its out of butane.

But what I notice is this new Piezo lighter, wow now that is cool. I am clicking away looked at the spark jump near 1/2 in. Then I begin thinking, wonder how much juice that thing is putting out. So I decide to stick my tongue in their and pull the trigger...

HOLY CHIT my eyes are standing out on stems, my tongue feels like its been nailed to a 2x4 with a hot spike, even my teeth are hurting with a shooting pain like fire, I see the road coming closer as I sag to my knees trying to shake off being head in the head with a axe. My vision is spinning with flashes of light like lighting striking. I drop the Bic when I can release my grip, stagger upright and walk the rest of the way home...
Last edit: 11 years 6 months ago by OleCowboy.

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11 years 6 months ago #24536 by Sharkey
Replied by Sharkey on topic great gift for the wife
So I'm guessing that's when you learned about electricity eh ??? :rotfl:

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